I was confronted by a monk a few months ago with the strangest and most intriguing idea. Give your fear, anxiety, and pain a name…then befriend it.
American culture tells us that strength is defined by fighting off intruders – especially those that threaten to harm our minds. The terms “anxiety warrior” and “wellness fighter” are common on social media platforms advocating for mental health.
Terms that suggest battling with internal disruption is how we find peace. But isn’t peace the exact opposite of fighting? Isn’t peace finding common ground between enemies?
“It may look as if the situation is creating the suffering, but ultimately this is not so – your resistance is.”
– Ekhart Tolle, spiritual teacher, and author
This harmonious idea of befriending your pain is not just a monk’s ideal of living fully. Science agrees that resisting and fighting against internal struggles only further aggravates the disturbance.
Here we will learn the process of personifying painful emotions to build healthy relationships with ourselves, nurture mental health, and live more fully.
The Process: How to Personify Negative Emotions
“Pain is not wrong. Reacting to pain as wrong initiates the trance of unworthiness. The moment we believe something is wrong, our world shrinks, and we lose ourselves in the effort to combat the pain.”
– Tara Brach, Radical Acceptance: Embracing Your Life With the Heart of a Buddha
Suffering is part of life. For me, living with an anxiety disorder has caused a large amount of pain. For decades, I fought intrusive thoughts and uncomfortable sensations that arose from anxiety.
My internal dialogue continually argued with the voice of anxiety. The battle for control over thoughts and emotions is exhausting and extremely painful.
Martin N. Seif Ph.D. and Sally M. Winston PsyD are authors of the book “How to Overcome Unwanted Intrusive Thoughts.” They recommend allowing intrusive thoughts to flow through the mind without additional attention or dialogue. Noticing and allowing whatever arises with kindness and without identifying with the thought.
The same principles apply to any unpleasant emotion or sensation in the body – for instance, anxiety, anger, sadness, or pain.
Give your Fear a Name
Jack Kornfield, a Vipassana meditation teacher, and author, first introduced the idea of personifying pain to me during a 13-week mindfulness course called the Power of Awareness. (1)
When a student asked Jack about how to work with painful emotions, he shared the process of personifying pain. This process allows you to begin learning how to live fully within the pain.
Jack replied with the first step – it may be helpful to personify your inner fear. How does your pain look? Give it a name too!
Let this image arise in your mind whenever you recognize the pain and greet it by name.
For me, my anxiety’s name is Alice. She has long gray hair and a blue-grey dress. She stands as tall as my hand, and she is always frantically upset.
Action for You: I am willing to bet that you opened this blog post and read this far because you have something that is causing you suffering. Take a moment now to personify this pain – give it a name, a body. It can be a furry rabbit or a full-blown human – anything will do!
Get to Know your Personified Pain
“You can’t stop the waves, but you can learn to surf.”
– Jon Kabat-Zinn, medical professor and mindfulness leader
Now that your pain has a name and a face, get to know each other.
Determine what response the painful emotion responds best too. A helpful question to ask is, “How does it want you to be with it?”
Jack mentions the natural human desire to alleviate painful feelings.
We have a natural aversion to discomfort. Repeating the mantra “this too” can help allow negative feelings along with all other sensations.
Whenever my anxiety arises, and I have the space to notice, I say “hello” to Alice and picture her. She is usually running around panicking with scared eyes while holding her throat to mimic my discomfort.
Something surprising happens next. Something I never expected.
Instead of fighting my anxiety, I see panicked Alice and feel compassionate towards her. I pick her up and place her in my pocket or hug her.
My relationship with pain begins to shift, and the true nature of my suffering begins to unfold.
Action for You: Next time you notice the painful emotion arising, bring your personified emotion to mind and say “hello.” Call it by name and practice mindfulness.
Set Yourself Free
“Accepting means you allow yourself to feel whatever it is you are feeling at that moment. It is part of the isness of the Now. You can’t argue with what is. Well, you can, but if you do, you suffer.”
– Ekhart Tolle
On the Mindfulness episode of “The Mind, Explained,” a new Netflix series, Buddhist monk Bhante Saranapala tells a story that taught him how to befriend his panic. (2) The story of the Fox and the Turtle.
As the story goes, the turtle and fox encounter one another. The turtle pulls inside his shell as the fox circles him. The turtle patiently waits until the fox gives up and leaves.
Bhante Saranapala explains that the story represents a way to handle fearful emotions and situations, “When a difficult emotion arises, you don’t need to surrender to your emotions or fight them. You need to make friends.”
Changing our relationships with emotions can begin to change how they affect you.
Personifying your emotions helps to open the door to a more positive relationship with them.
Slowly but surely, me and Alice and are getting to know each other better. I don’t hate her or run from her as much anymore. Are we best friends, no. Do I still get upset with her, yes. But are we working on our relationship and am I becoming more compassionate and free with her, yes.
